One With The Universe

Everything I touch, I ruin. As much as I care about , my family. I always fuck up. Not intentionally. but I do. Mama G is always giving me so many chances, my sister and all my siblings I feel like they have all these expectations of what could have been,what I could be, but how do I live up to all those expectations when I do not believe in myself? How do I appreciate their love when I do not even love myself? As much as I want to.. I can't. I hate the fact that I can't explain how I feel to them, because I  feel every single time I try, it's nothing to them. It's not like I want to disappoint them , I want to be okay, I want to quit everything. I want to be perfect like my siblings but I am not. My mind does work theirs. They don't understand that the reason why I go out so much is that I am DISAPPOINTED heavily on myself, I keep thinking of how I long finished high school but my sibling is on her second year, she passed by me. I am jealous of the fact that as m...

Hey its been a while since I posted, I've been busy being "Happy".. A couple of months back I met this amazing person. He is nice , handsome, funny ( when I mean funny I mean he actually gets my bad jokes and to top it all of: his are worse) lol. I'll call him "Leo". Leo actually gives two fucks. He genuinely cares about me. He believes in me. I have never looked forward to anything in my life. I'd wake up and just want to drink then blackout. On some days all I think about is suicide. My anxiety would kill me so much ( it's still there: but a bit more controlled). I hated myself, my life , my whole existence, but things have changed. I look forward to try to improve my life, I want to be something,be someone.I actually try to fight this depression thing. He makes me want to better my life, I have become a little bit more confident. He thinks I am beautiful. I can finally be my real self, and he doesn't mind.  So is this what happiness feels l...

Uhm so I haven't written or done anything productive in a while. Well that's because I have been having writer's block. Not that I am a professional writer or anything like that but because I have been trying to be numb. I only write when I have anxiety, or I am extremely sad, the list goes on. So what I want to write about today is "moving on", I don't how to. I try as much to value everyone in my life because I do understand how I would feel if somebody disrespected me and or took me for granted or just something that affects me emotionally but honestly most of the times is if it hurts me. You can hurt me now and the problem with me is that ten years later, or two minutes,or whenever something bad happens, I am going to think that I am not worth shit because of something that happened a while back. I don't know how to move on, just like I do not know how to love myself or how I cannot find fault in anybody else but me. I really do not know who is goi...

I don't like being alone. It's like I always want somebody to be there. That in turn always gets me hurt. MY head will tell me that's love but its just infatuation.Like for example last year I met someone who I liked, But I claimed to be hardcore and shiit!! So I told him let's have fun.. No strings attached. Guess what, I am the one who came with the strings like I am fucking spider man. I really don't know how to explain this. I am still learning to love myself so during that whole process I need someone to be there for me while I learn to but most of the the times I end up leaning to hard. Depending on them for everything. The same guy I mentioned earlier on saved my life (literally) , I ended up depending on him for my happiness that I ended up destroying him with my constant crying complaining and feelings ( right after I said "No feelings"). Now, we don't even talk anymore. There's also a part of that still stays with someone even though I ...

I am constantly feeling down, so most of the time I try to look for ways I can try to make myself feel okay. But the thing is, all those ways I come with are only short lived. My happiness is short lived. Nothing that I have is ever truly mine. I may feel like I belong but it always hits that it's all a lie, I am not his girlfriend I am not their child or just something. I can't help but feel like I don't belong. ANYWHERE!! I am tired of being sad all the time. I really just want to go. I don't want to feel ANYTHING!! I want to be numb, well I want to be normal. I want to feel appreciated by someone who's not family. I feel that family is sort of obliged to love you regardless of how many times you f*ck up!! I don't want to feel like I am forcing myself into people's life. Or they are just taking me in out of pity, Something that also frustrates me is that my insecurities and paranoia are always on a 100. I will never feel enough. I always think that someo...

*singing*" Now this is a story all about how, my night got flipped turned upside down, I'd like to take a minute just sit right here and tell you how I woke up with scratches on my legs" ( Probably went off tune by now!) But anyway well here goes. So I was working at Mr Price , that evening was the Christmas party. I kind of felt bored so I took all my beers that I paid for at the party and left.. I went to chill in front of Nando's thinking of what my next plan is.. I had drank about four Heineken's ( My favorite beer) when I bumped into some people I knew. They said they are planning on going to Block 6, I am like "Let's go!! (Since I had no plans).. 1 2 1 2 Pruuuuuu! *imitating movement sound* On the way to Block 6 we make a pit stop to get a bottle of Tanqueray. So I'm a whiskey and Brandy kind of person, So I tell my nig's "Ugh guys kana nna this sh*t does not get me drunk and you know what I am going to drink it straight".. YUS...

So my favorite genre is Hip hop/Rap. There's a couple of rappers that I love, but none of them can ever come close to Eminem. I am just going to mention a few songs that still do it for me till now ( not that they are ANY SONGS I DO NOT LIKE) When I was young my older sister listened to a lot of Eminem, back then I really didn't get what the big deal was because I was just a kid. As I was growing up my love for him increased gradually. When I started my junior  high that's when it hit hard! I had gone through some bad things as a child and all through primary I got bullied for being too skinny , Ugly or having big boobs. I turned to Eminem. I remember one day I was on my way to school and the taxi that I got on was playing Eminem, The Recovery album. I remember going crazy over Cinderella man. My phone was filled with Eminem. My depression got bad at Junior high, I always felt like I was not enough, but when I listened to him, I didn't care if I was not enough.  Emin...

I have this intense love for cats.. Any type of cat.. Be it domestic or wild, I love cats. I guess I am going to turn out to be a cat lady . Living with 10- 15 cats in an apartment. MY relationships always never work out.. It's either my insecurities f**k it up, or he cheats, or she's insecure ( oh , I'm Bi- Sexual) Just a whole lot of complications. It's gotten so bad that I am thinking of adopting cats now, I would if I could right now, But unfortunately *whispers* I still live with my parents who still believe in this whole African myth that cats are used by witches to do their bidding.. *slaps forehead*. Why can't they just let me have my cats. Just one. Or maybe they still hope that I will find love one day!! 👀 Or I start some "friends with benefits" sh*t , and guess what, I am the f*ck up. I end up falling for him/her and ruin our friendship and stuff! *sigh* . Like I don't know what's wrong with me, even if I get a good guy , guess what...

Hey, So my name is Hazel. I am an aspiring writer who's obsessed with the universe and so much more included in this very Universe of ours! ♥ This blog is going contain my likes and dislikes. What I am obsessed about, what I believe in , my country and so much more. Well I hope you enjoy my future posts and videos.