Tired
I am constantly feeling down, so most of the time I try to look for ways I can try to make myself feel okay. But the thing is, all those ways I come with are only short lived. My happiness is short lived.
Nothing that I have is ever truly mine. I may feel like I belong but it always hits that it's all a lie, I am not his girlfriend I am not their child or just something. I can't help but feel like I don't belong. ANYWHERE!! I am tired of being sad all the time. I really just want to go. I don't want to feel ANYTHING!! I want to be numb, well I want to be normal. I want to feel appreciated by someone who's not family. I feel that family is sort of obliged to love you regardless of how many times you f*ck up!! I don't want to feel like I am forcing myself into people's life. Or they are just taking me in out of pity, Something that also frustrates me is that my insecurities and paranoia are always on a 100. I will never feel enough. I always think that someone is always out to get me, or they are lying, pretending or acting out of pity.
No one realizes how difficult it is for me to wake up in the morning, get out bed, and f*cking SMILE. I am always wishing that the earth would open up and swallow me whole. I am always wishing I could hide in a hole where no one will find me or talk to me, NOTHING. Just be away from everything because how do you live when you feel like everything bad that happens is your fault or trying to be strong for those that "love you" or always being in pain that you can't even explain to anyone?? How do I tell people that I want to die everyday, won't they get tired of it?? They always do. That's why they all leave, they get tired of my constant complaining. And it's not like I don't want to get better. I genuinely do, but I just don't know how to get out of this darkness. I have already been convinced that everyone's life will be better off without me. Sometimes I honestly believe that it's better if I stay at my lowest (I am scared of being happy) because when I am lowest I can't go any lower.
I need help that I don't think anyone can give. That's why I feel like may everyone just be okay with me not existing. PLEASE LET ME GO. 😓
Nothing that I have is ever truly mine. I may feel like I belong but it always hits that it's all a lie, I am not his girlfriend I am not their child or just something. I can't help but feel like I don't belong. ANYWHERE!! I am tired of being sad all the time. I really just want to go. I don't want to feel ANYTHING!! I want to be numb, well I want to be normal. I want to feel appreciated by someone who's not family. I feel that family is sort of obliged to love you regardless of how many times you f*ck up!! I don't want to feel like I am forcing myself into people's life. Or they are just taking me in out of pity, Something that also frustrates me is that my insecurities and paranoia are always on a 100. I will never feel enough. I always think that someone is always out to get me, or they are lying, pretending or acting out of pity.
No one realizes how difficult it is for me to wake up in the morning, get out bed, and f*cking SMILE. I am always wishing that the earth would open up and swallow me whole. I am always wishing I could hide in a hole where no one will find me or talk to me, NOTHING. Just be away from everything because how do you live when you feel like everything bad that happens is your fault or trying to be strong for those that "love you" or always being in pain that you can't even explain to anyone?? How do I tell people that I want to die everyday, won't they get tired of it?? They always do. That's why they all leave, they get tired of my constant complaining. And it's not like I don't want to get better. I genuinely do, but I just don't know how to get out of this darkness. I have already been convinced that everyone's life will be better off without me. Sometimes I honestly believe that it's better if I stay at my lowest (I am scared of being happy) because when I am lowest I can't go any lower.
I need help that I don't think anyone can give. That's why I feel like may everyone just be okay with me not existing. PLEASE LET ME GO. 😓
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