"FUCK UP"
Everything I touch, I ruin. As much as I care about , my family. I always fuck up. Not intentionally. but I do. Mama G is always giving me so many chances, my sister and all my siblings I feel like they have all these expectations of what could have been,what I could be, but how do I live up to all those expectations when I do not believe in myself? How do I appreciate their love when I do not even love myself? As much as I want to.. I can't. I hate the fact that I can't explain how I feel to them, because I feel every single time I try, it's nothing to them. It's not like I want to disappoint them , I want to be okay, I want to quit everything. I want to be perfect like my siblings but I am not. My mind does work theirs.
They don't understand that the reason why I go out so much is that I am DISAPPOINTED heavily on myself, I keep thinking of how I long finished high school but my sibling is on her second year, she passed by me. I am jealous of the fact that as much as I know I am family, it's daddy and mama. I love them more than anyone in this world but I wish my parents were still together, I wish I could hear those morning arguments like mama and daddy do. Those laughs, those family dinners. As much as I pretend I don't give a fuck, I honestly wish that I would have a relationship with Caroline (my biological mother) I wish I could tell her about my first heartbreak without her speaking like I am a mistake. I hate that I did not turn out like anybody wanted me to be, I DID NOT TURN OUT LIKE I WANTED ME TO BE!!
I have to hear everyday about my mistakes, but the only reason why I drink so much. It's to keep me alive. The reason why I hang out with different people is that they don't know what I have done, they don't know anything about me. FAMILY even if they do not talk about my past mistakes, I only see disappointment in their eyes. They don't have to say it, my only sister.. I SEE IT!! Both my mum's and my dad's I SEE IT! So I honestly never want to be around any of them because it's to painful.
I never try to fight or should I say get mad with my siblings, but I have this one sister who's always making me feel like shit. I try my best to ignore everything she says but all the words she's ever said to me ring in my head everyday. I try to ignore it but I have never heard her talk to her "biological siblings like that" and it's my fault. My actions proved to her that you can step on me. I am failure. So I tell myself that it's okay for her to talk to me like that. I gave her a reason to.. Just like I gave Caroline a reason to tell me "I feel like God is punishing her for having a daughter like me". AND I would never blame any of them for saying any of those words, It's my fault , I made them feel like that because of my actions.
I apologize for everything, I apologize for making it seem like I don't give a FUCK about anyone else, I do. I apologize for deteriorating my father's health who sacrificed everything to try to help me be successful only for me disappoint him, I apologize to all my family members that I used their precious stuff without their permission. I apologize for existing to be honest. My father would be okay if I never existed, My mother would not be embarrassed to say I am her daughter.
I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN, I REALLY JUST WANT TO GO, MAY i PLEASE JUST GO. THEY'LL FORGET IN A COUPLE OF YEARS. I REALLY JUST WANT TO DIE. CAN I JUST DIE. CAN MY FAMILY JUST THINK OF IT AS EUTHANASIA , I AM SUFFERING. CAN WE PULL THE PLUG?
They don't understand that the reason why I go out so much is that I am DISAPPOINTED heavily on myself, I keep thinking of how I long finished high school but my sibling is on her second year, she passed by me. I am jealous of the fact that as much as I know I am family, it's daddy and mama. I love them more than anyone in this world but I wish my parents were still together, I wish I could hear those morning arguments like mama and daddy do. Those laughs, those family dinners. As much as I pretend I don't give a fuck, I honestly wish that I would have a relationship with Caroline (my biological mother) I wish I could tell her about my first heartbreak without her speaking like I am a mistake. I hate that I did not turn out like anybody wanted me to be, I DID NOT TURN OUT LIKE I WANTED ME TO BE!!
I have to hear everyday about my mistakes, but the only reason why I drink so much. It's to keep me alive. The reason why I hang out with different people is that they don't know what I have done, they don't know anything about me. FAMILY even if they do not talk about my past mistakes, I only see disappointment in their eyes. They don't have to say it, my only sister.. I SEE IT!! Both my mum's and my dad's I SEE IT! So I honestly never want to be around any of them because it's to painful.
I never try to fight or should I say get mad with my siblings, but I have this one sister who's always making me feel like shit. I try my best to ignore everything she says but all the words she's ever said to me ring in my head everyday. I try to ignore it but I have never heard her talk to her "biological siblings like that" and it's my fault. My actions proved to her that you can step on me. I am failure. So I tell myself that it's okay for her to talk to me like that. I gave her a reason to.. Just like I gave Caroline a reason to tell me "I feel like God is punishing her for having a daughter like me". AND I would never blame any of them for saying any of those words, It's my fault , I made them feel like that because of my actions.
I apologize for everything, I apologize for making it seem like I don't give a FUCK about anyone else, I do. I apologize for deteriorating my father's health who sacrificed everything to try to help me be successful only for me disappoint him, I apologize to all my family members that I used their precious stuff without their permission. I apologize for existing to be honest. My father would be okay if I never existed, My mother would not be embarrassed to say I am her daughter.
I AM IN SO MUCH PAIN, I REALLY JUST WANT TO GO, MAY i PLEASE JUST GO. THEY'LL FORGET IN A COUPLE OF YEARS. I REALLY JUST WANT TO DIE. CAN I JUST DIE. CAN MY FAMILY JUST THINK OF IT AS EUTHANASIA , I AM SUFFERING. CAN WE PULL THE PLUG?
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