*sigh*

Uhm so I haven't written or done anything productive in a while. Well that's because I have been having writer's block. Not that I am a professional writer or anything like that but because I have been trying to be numb. I only write when I have anxiety, or I am extremely sad, the list goes on.

So what I want to write about today is "moving on", I don't how to. I try as much to value everyone in my life because I do understand how I would feel if somebody disrespected me and or took me for granted or just something that affects me emotionally but honestly most of the times is if it hurts me. You can hurt me now and the problem with me is that ten years later, or two minutes,or whenever something bad happens, I am going to think that I am not worth shit because of something that happened a while back. I don't know how to move on, just like I do not know how to love myself or how I cannot find fault in anybody else but me.

I really do not know who is going to read this, but I really don't like having depression or anxiety but please understand this.. I can't help it. I am terrified of being happy. I am scared that every-time I get happy something bad is going to happen. So what I believe to be honest is , It's better I stay at my lowest , because when I am at my lowest, I can't go lower than that. So to be honest this whole blog is about me and trying to live this life until my end day because it's really close. Just think about this way, it's really a bunch of suicide notes until the say the strand I am hanging on cuts off.

Please do not walk away now, it is really not going to be all sad. It is going to be about every good and MOSTLY BAD things I have been through.