MENTAL ILLNESS; MY STORY (JUST A BIT OF IT)

Imagine being disgusted by your own existence Do you know how it feels to be broken?Feel worthless, like you are not important to anyone?Being told that you are just over reacting,attention seeking being called different names that are going to keep ringing in your head; combined with my own self destructive voices Not being able to do basic stuff, like get up or even go to school?
Where being self-destructive is a norm? As much as I wanted to go school, my mind attacked me. It felt better to go to the bar and get too sloshed to the point where I forget my name, Anything just to get my head into wonderland. Self-harming just to feel anything else except this emotional pain that refuses to go. Everyone left me, but the pain never did. Imagine your own mind telling you it's not worth it, Bursting into tears because you are trying to fight it off, getting panic attacks in front of people, because all you hear are the voices and you think the voices are right. I remember when I preferred being sad. I did not want to be happy, I was scared of being happy; I strongly believed that If I'm sad, If I am at rock bottom, I can't go any lower. So I decided to stay there. I would date someone and love him/her; I couldn't love myself. I would end up pushing them away because of my need to be loved. When they left, I'd think that man that touched me was right, that ex that beat me was the better love. Every-time I took a step forward, the voices would take me back five steps back. I decided to just stop, to go back. It's not like I wanted to die, I really didn't. I just wanted to make it stop, to make the pain stop, I tried to make it stop; and it felt great for a while but snap back to reality , I am alive. As much as I was faking my happiness before trying to leave for WONDERLAND, I was still faking it when they put me on "Happy Pills" , It was an alternation between feeling like a zombie, to being to anxious. Imagine being put on depression medication , the side effect being anxiety. Lying just to get out of the psych hospital because it was driving me crazy, but after leaving I wished I'd go back, because I didn't feel human anymore.Having to go back to school and feeling embarrassed that you had to repeat a semester and having to explain why you're still in first year. 😒 But I managed to get out of that. Step by Step , I will get there eventually. I will be content with the way I look, I will get over my past traumas.