I can't tell anyone, because who's ever going to believe an alcoholic who's not reliable. I also wonder, why they didn't believe me when I was five. I think people need to understand this, I am not okay as much as I wish I could be. I really just want to drink; going to school is a drag,being home is a drag, getting up, whether I am drunk, Hangover or sober, is a fucking drag. I am on the path of getting enlightened but the thing is I am even failing at the basics, I am failing at anything I put my mind to, I fail to think proper, I fail to keep relationships ( all types) I fail at love, whether romantic or platonic or even family shiit. Oh, wait I know what I am good at, DISAPPOINTMENT. Mostly it's about disappointing myself, not anybody else. But I always get this feeling that people think I like being like this, that I am proud of being like this. It is tiring. I am tired. Explain to me how I am supposed to stay alive, when my very existence disgusts me.
"Happy"
Hey its been a while since I posted, I've been busy being "Happy".. A couple of months back I met this amazing person. He is nice , handsome, funny ( when I mean funny I mean he actually gets my bad jokes and to top it all of: his are worse) lol. I'll call him "Leo". Leo actually gives two fucks. He genuinely cares about me. He believes in me. I have never looked forward to anything in my life. I'd wake up and just want to drink then blackout. On some days all I think about is suicide. My anxiety would kill me so much ( it's still there: but a bit more controlled). I hated myself, my life , my whole existence, but things have changed. I look forward to try to improve my life, I want to be something,be someone.I actually try to fight this depression thing. He makes me want to better my life, I have become a little bit more confident. He thinks I am beautiful. I can finally be my real self, and he doesn't mind. So is this what happiness feels l...
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